International Roast, Ugh Estonia

A Roast of Estonia

What’s there to say about Estonia that hasn’t already been said? I mean, the country’s got so many umlauts in its alphabet, it might as well be a poster from Ikea.

But seriously, folks, Estonia only has a population of 1.29 million. It’s one of the least populous nations in the European Union AND the Eurozone. An Indian train car on The Amazing Race is more populated than that.

And, Estonia, who do you think you are with your mixed Nordic and European cultural background and your third-highest press freedom in the world?  You’re like that kid in fifth grade who gets along better with his classmates’ parents than his classmates because he was annexed to the Soviet Union for 50 years. I mean, seriously.

Okay, let’s talk borders and I don’t mean what used to be my favorite bookstore. Estonia’s bordered by the Baltic Sea to the west and Lake Peipus to the east. Uh, pick a body of water, am I right? What are you, a half-island?

And what’s the deal with your relationship with the other Baltic states? It’s like Latvia and Lithuania are one of those cute families where all the kids’ names start with the same letter and you’re a smarmy  parliamentary republic with an inferiority complex.

Also, way to lose the Livonian War in 1561.

In case you guys didn’t know, the official language of Estonia is Estonian. WAY TO BE ORIGINAL, ESTONIANS.  That’s like Mexicans saying they speak Mexican instead of Spanish. Or the Dutch saying they speak Dutch instead of gay German.

If I had a dollar for every time Estonia won a medal at the Olympics, I’d have $40 dollars which, like, what am I gonna buy? Three paperback books from Borders? Psssh, no, I have a Kindle, Estonia.

Estonia has the highest gross domestic product of any former Soviet Republic. Emphasis on gross.

Look at me, I’m Estonia and I won the Eurovision Song Contest in 2001. DENMARK WAS ROBBED. I think I’m so cool because my education system is super good. NERD. I have the lowest maternal death rate in the world. NELSON MANDELA WAS AN ORPHAN.

We get it. You have a stable, high-income economy. You know who else does? Switzerland and they are honestly the worst. I mean, come on, pick a side, people. And then pick a national language because, Romansch? Really?

Oh hey, Estonia, cool nickname. The Baltic Tiger? Uh, they don’t even have tigers in the Baltic. I LOOKED IT UP ON THE INTERNET.

Now, I’m just going to make fun of the names of some of Estonia’s largest cities. Sillamae? More like silly you. Nice try. Don’t get me started on Tapa (population: 6,333). Oh, I’m sorry did I order a single Spanish appetizer, or snack (population: 6,333). Elva? His name was Elvis, he was AMERICAN, and too soon.

Wait a minute, guys, maybe Estonia’s not that bad. After all, Skype was created in Estonia. And everyone loves Skype. Former Borders CEO Bennett S. LeBow loves Skype. He loves it so much he thinks it’s okay to work six months a year in Munich while his wife and young children wait for him to Skype goodnight. WELL, GUESS WHAT, ESTONIA, THAT’S NOT THE SAME AS A REAL GOODNIGHT. AND ALSO, IN THE SEVERAL MINUTES THE LEBOW CHILDREN SPEND WAITING TO GET A GOOD CONNNECTION EACH NIGHT, THEY COULD BE LEARNING FOREIGN LANGUAGES WHILE THEY STILL HAVE CHILD BRAINS. YOU’RE A MONSTER.

Thanks, everyone, and have a good night!


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