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Lists, we allScream for iPhone

19 Things You Won’t Be Able to Do While Unlocking Your iPhone 5S

  1. Give a thumbs up.
  2. Hitchhike.
  3. Count to three in Sign Language.
  4. Declare a thumb war.
  5. Give a high “five.”
  6. Operate a jetpack.
  7. Self-administer morphine.
  8. Steal a baby’s nose.
  9. Eat olives off your fingers like a child king.
  10. Insult an Iranian.
  11. Condemn a Proto-Christian to death.
  12. Display knowledge of awkward situations and turtle anatomy.
  13. Be Jack Horner.
  14. End a used car commercial.
  15. Rub it in non-primates’ faces.
  16. Land any joke that ends with an emphatic “THIS GUY.”
  17. Save the Netherlands from flooding.
  18. Achieve success as a television film critic in the late 1980s and early 1990s.
  19. Live a full and happy life free from the psychosocial fetters of modern technology.
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“Radioactive” True Blood Season 6 Episode 10 Recap

Willie Myers:

Anti-climax, Nordic penis, and an unnecessary time-jump.

Originally posted on Tube Top Television:

Well, that was a trainwreck…True Blood’s sixth season finale is downright terrible and no amount of unnecessary six-month time jumps, fairy vampire maypoles, or full frontal nudity can save it.  And this season was doing so well, what with my beloved Sarah Newlin and the zany antics of Fangtanamo… But no, True Blood had to go and screw the were-pooch, leaving us with the most anticlimactic 51 minutes I’ve spent since watching the finale of Big Brother UK yesterday (WE ALL KNEW SAM THE DEAF WELSHMAN WAS GOING TO WIN, DIDN’T WE, AMERICA?!?!).

Let’s just get this over with.

Sookie is thinking deeply about life and death as Terry gets buried and for some reason, Alcide, very large and homeless-looking, is there consoling her. Sookie still doesn’t know where Jason is but she knows he’s a survivor; he’ll get by. Just as Alcide tries to say something deep and…

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Beatles
Offical Ringo Starr Fan Club, Probably Lyrics

A Hit Single by The Hawaiian Beatles

You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go go go, oh no
You say aloha and I say aloha
Aloha aloha
I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha
Aloha aloha
I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha

I say high, you say low
You say why and I say I don’t know, oh no
You say aloha and I say aloha
(Aloha aloha aloha aloha) Aloha aloha
(Aloha aloha) I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha
(Aloha aloha aloha aloha) Aloha aloha
(Aloha aloha) I don’t know why you say aloha
(Aloha Aloha) I say aloha/aloha

Why why why why why why do you say aloha aloha, oh no?

You say aloha and I say aloha
Aloha aloha
I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha
Aloha aloha
I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha

You say yes (I say yes) I say no (But I may mean no)
You say stop (I can stay) and I say go go go (Till it’s time to go), oh
Oh no
You say aloha and I say aloha
Aloha aloha
I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha
Aloha aloha
I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha
Aloha aloha
I don’t know why you say aloha, I say aloha aloha

Hela heba aloha
Hela heba aloha, cha cha cha
Hela heba aloha, wooo
Hela heba aloha, hela
Hela heba aloha, cha cha cha
Hela heba aloha, wooo
Hela heba aloha, cha cah cah [fade out]

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“Life Matters” True Blood Recap Season 6 Episode 9

Willie Myers:

An emotional funeral and also a man gets his penis ripped off.

Originally posted on Tube Top Television:

Wow, going for the gut, True Blood. I honestly have no idea what they’re going to do next week for the finale because this was a doozy of an episode both emotionally and in the sense that a man’s penis was ripped off. Unlike most episodes of True Blood, Episode 9 doesn’t jump arbitrarily between all 83 of its main characters; instead, it jumps back and forth between two story lines/locations: the sober, life affirming (LIFE MATTERS! DRINK!) reality of Terry’s funeral and the absolute nonsense going on in Fangtanamo. As such, this week I’m going to plow through the episode chronologically instead of trying to sort it out plot by plot.

We start in Fairy Dream Land where Sookie is gnawing at her own arm trying to save immortal fairy vampire Warlow after Eric drained him. Bill watches super impatiently. If Bill wants that magic fairy daylight…

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“Dead Meat” True Blood Recap Season 6 Episode 8

Willie Myers:

The best businesswomen on businesswomen fight to the death you will ever see.

Originally posted on Tube Top Television:

Apparently, writing a crazy TV show is like riding a bicycle. Once you learn how, you never forget. You might get hit by a car or a ludicrous Great Plague of London flashback but you get back up and keep pedaling to Crazy Town, which is to say, True Blood is back in form this week (albeit a more emotional, less hyper-manic form than usual). This episode also has the best businesswoman v. businesswoman fight to the death I have ever seen and I used to watch a lot of The Apprentice. But I digress…

We start in the sad Nora-popping-like-a-blood-bag aftermath of last week. Eric is clearly working through the second stage of grief as he angrily blames Bill for not foreseeing Nora’s death. In fact, he’s so upset he wants to renege on the two vamps’ plan to capture Warlow. Instead, he gets all heretical up in…

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